No doctor on Monday, but a chemist on Sunday.

You know what they say: An apple a day keeps the doctor away. They were lying, of course, but the sentiment was there. Monday 6th January is Apple Tree Day, celebrating not only the humble fruit but the very tree from which it grows. So go scrumping in an orchard, bake a delicious pie, plant some seeds in your back garden and even give a quiet nod to Isaac Newton, for without the apple tree we’d find ourselves going bananas.

That does it, I’ve had it up to HERE! *holds flat palm next to cheek, or perhaps even forehead* Tuesday 7th January is I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore Day, one of the less concisely named but most liberating occasions of the DOTY calendar. Fed up of never getting a seat on the bus to work? Drag someone off theirs and claim it as your own. Well, maybe don’t go quite that far, but certainly don’t take as much $*** from people as usual.

Everyone hates having germs but can’t help enjoying spreading them (admit it, when you have a snotty nose you make sure to give high fives to everyone you see). Wednesday 8th January is Joy Germ Day, the only day of the year dedicated to this totally fictitious but hearteningly lovely concept of happiness being contagious. Go spread it like you would diarrhoea… figuratively speaking.

No need to comb your hair on Thursday 9th January as it’s Static Electricity Day, which also gives you a great reason to rub balloons against your crotch before sticking them to horrified strangers’ jumpers, all while parading the streets looking like Don King (pictured for competitive reference).

It’s Peculiar People Day on Friday 10th January. Do you know any peculiar people? You may not usually refer to them as peculiar per se, but if there’s anyone in your life that you’d normally call a weirdo, freak, nutter, head case, oddball, crank, wacko, screwball, crackpot or even the quasi-complimentary euphemism of “a real character” then this is your time to celebrate their kookiness by… I don’t know… doing a chicken dance whilst sacrificing a woodlouse to the gods.

Saturday 11th January is Step In A Puddle And Splash Your Friends Day. Do I really need to explain what this is about? Just go soak the buggers.

End your week with a trip to the chemist as part of Pharmacist Day. Make them smile by purchasing lots of toothpaste, cotton buds and rubber johnnies, and even treat them to some liquorice root or whatever poor excuse for sweets they sell there. They’ll be so pleased that they may even leave their shelves of antihistamines and suppositories to give you a hug.

Thanks for reading. Now go seize the day!


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