Opposite Day was just like any other day. Dozing off to my alarm clock at the usual time, I brightly skipped down the stairs into the kitchen. There, I emptied the kettle into the tap and cooled the toast until it reverted back to bread, then dirtied my body, hair and teeth in the bathroom, as well as refilling my bladder. I put on my pyjamas, having slept in my clothes, and emptied the cats’ food and water bowls whilst humming along to static on the radio.

I wasn’t at work today as I still have the delightful sick bug that’s going round, so I enjoyed a headache and aching muscles whilst ejecting aspirin every few hours and making sure not to drink any liquids. Over the course of the day I finally erased from memory the last few chapters of a book and forgot the film I’ve wanted to watch for ages. Feeling I needed to do something productive, I accessed my work emails from home and made sure that a project was moved backwards a few steps, ready for my return to the office.

I put the towels and bedding into the washing machine and set it to ‘soil’, then wiped a layer of crumbs and streaks of marmalade onto a plate and knife and scrubbed coffee stains into a mug. Thinking I might as well do as much as possible whilst at home, I ejected the contents of the vacuum cleaner over the living room floor and moved empty food packaging from the recycling bin into a carrier bag hanging on the kitchen door handle.

In the late afternoon I added scuffs to my shoes and used the iron to crease my work clothes. Afterwards I didn’t have much of an appetite but knew that dinner was necessary, so pasta in broccoli and cheese sauce was regurgitated, dried and sealed into its packet. I then lengthened my toenails using a nail clipper.

I should really get a good night’s sleep so I’m going to spend the rest of the evening drinking Red Bull, popping speed and watching action movies.

See you yesterday.

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