My girlfriend, Elaine, is studying her PGCE and shares a house with six others. These days I’m at her place more than I am my own and see the housemates more than I do my cats, so it seems only fitting that I provide them with some cool info for Fun Facts About Names Day. Having used this website and this website for reference, here we go…

Beth: Four letters, with a bold 75% consonant content. If your name’s short for Elizabeth, in English this means ‘my god is bountiful’ or ‘god of plenty’; if short for Bethany, I’m afraid it means ‘house of poverty’ in Aramaic. However, Beth is frequently used as a strong independent name, and you share it with one of Louisa M. Alcott’s heroines in Little Women. Apparently, ‘success comes rather easily for you, especially in academia’ (although I must say I’ve never noticed you reading a textbook).

Helen: Five letters with a wonderful alternating consonant/vowel distribution. In Latin, your name means ‘most beautiful woman in the world’ – crikey, don’t let that go to your head too much! It also says that you ‘work hard not to rock the boat’, but clearly they’ve never seen you on a drunken night out. Muhaha!

Lauren: Six letters that boast a sweet harmony of consonants and vowels with a rather nice 1-2-1-1-1 pattern. In Latin, your name refers to the laurel tree or bay tree, which are symbols of honour and victory – spot on! Plus it’s an undeniable fact that ‘many people wonder what your secret to life is’.

Tom: A quick and no-nonsense three-letter name, with a central vowel lined by consonants that are forceful and self-assured, respectively. In both English and Aramaic your name means ‘twin’, but please don’t take offense when I say that I hope this isn’t the case. After all, ‘you’ll knock down anyone who gets in your way’, and Elaine gets quite enough of that from just one of you.

Dan: Another three-letter name, this time with the alphabet’s primary vowel flanked by confident consonants. In Biblical terms, your name means ‘he that judges’, but in Vietnamese it means ‘positive’, so hopefully you’ve found a way of combining these. Er… it also says that you ‘like your ducks in a row’. Hmm.

Alex: Four letters, with a 50/50 balance of vowel and consonant with an alternating arrangement. Your name is an abbreviation of Alexander, which in English means ‘defender of mankind’ – good luck with that. My favourite fact about you is that, allegedly, you’re ‘incredibly sexy and sensual. You have a naughty vibe that no one can ignore.’ I may mock, but then I have seen you dance to Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger. Phwoar!

And finally, the lovely Elaine: A six-letter name with a symmetrical 1-1-2-1-1 pattern of consonants and vowels. In both Greek and French it means ‘shining light’, although I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with a torch. Or, if we go by Arthurian legend, you’re the mother to Sir Lancelot’s son Galahad, so perhaps a nice conical hat is in order? Although I agree that perhaps, maybe, every now and then, you’re ‘prone to a little paranoia and jealousy’, what rings even more true is that you are ‘very wise’, which is clearly the case because you go out with me (HAH!). x

So there you have it, guys; feel free to flaunt your newly acquired knowledge as if you’ve always stored it in your bonces.

Love from Rich (four letters, single dotted vowel; German for ‘powerful ruler’, and I’m known as being ‘wild, crazy, and a huge rebel’ – are these people spying on us all or something? They’re very astute.)


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