*ring ring* *ring ring* *ring ring* *short pause*

“Sorry, Richard Sutherland isn’t able to take your call, please leave a message after the b— oh wait, he’s just got back, here he is now, I’ll hand you over… Hello?”

“Er… hello?”

“Who is this?”

“It’s Mike.”

“I don’t know you.”

“It’s Mike Wilson.”

“Are you calling for Richard Sutherland?”

“Y…yeah. Yeah, I’m calling for you.”

“This is his voicemail.”


“This isn’t Richard Sutherland, it’s his voicemail for Inane Answering Machine Message Day.”

“I… I don’t—”

“I’m his voicemail, not him in person. He recorded me but that doesn’t make me him.”


“Ask me a question.”


“A question, ask me a question to do with Richard Sutherland.”

“Uh… what’s Rich’s… er…”

“Chop chop!”

“Wh-where does Rich work?”

“I don’t know. Richard Sutherland knows, but I’m not him. As previously explained, I’m just an answering machine message; a very well-timed one.”

“Sorry, I don’t understand.”



“You’re most likely saying something or asking a question that I can’t respond to accurately as we’ve reached the end of predictable dialogue. I am therefore resorting to my secondary function of accessing a random word bank. Biscuit barrel.”

“Oh, okay, I—”

“Unwanted birthday present.”

“Shall I call you back later?”

“Mark Twain-style paddle steamer.”

“I still don’t underst—”

“Slovakian snail racing.”

“I’ll call you back later.”

“A hug from a relative of the opposite sex that lasts too long.”

“Right, okay…”

“The typeface Comic Sans inappropriately used at a funeral.”


“Peacock buttocks.”


Bubble Wrap appreciation. Pop-pop-pop-pop!”



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