I may have been a little irresponsible for Sword Swallowers Day. I don’t know anyone who practices this more extreme pastime and I do like to try things out for myself, but obviously I wasn’t prepared to eat an entire sword all in one go (where would I get one, in any case?), so instead I chose the child-friendly version.

Have you ever played Pop-up Pirate, with its little red, yellow, green and blue plastic swords? During games, I like to think that choosing your favourite colour will increase your chances of winning, but it would appear that the human stomach is colour blind.

Word of advice: If, like me, you’re stupid enough to gulp down part of a children’s game, leave it at just the one piece. You don’t need the ball and the cage from Mouse Trap jabbing your insides, nor is it required of you to consume Cluedo‘s glamorous Miss Scarlet as well as the corpulent Professor Plum. So if you’re intent on eating plastic swords, leave it at just a couple, or one of each player’s at the very most.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a little “pop up” to A&E. Ahhh, laughter really is the best medicine, although I think I may also require a spot of surgery, and perhaps a liquid diet until the burning stops.

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