Unfriend Day was created by comedian Jimmy Kimmel as a means of empowering each of us to clean up our friends list on Facebook. That guy you hated at college and haven’t seen since, the annoying receptionist from your old job, the person in another country who you’ve never met and you’re pretty sure is a fake account enticing you with clickbait: all of them can probably go.
It’s easy to acquire connections on Facebook, especially when it’s the other person doing the requesting and you feel obliged to accept. Luckily, it’s just as easy to unfriend them, and the only way they’ll find out is if they visit your profile and find that the happy little ‘Friends’ button has been replaced with an inviting but desperate ‘Add Friend’ option.
I won’t name any names, but here are the types of people that I can happily live without online, and most likely in real life too.
The price of milk; the infrequency of buses; the physical appearance of a stranger in the street; the results of X Factor; poor mobile coverage; rain when the weatherman said it’d just be a bit cloudy; a running commentary of your neighbours clearly enjoying life more than you do. Let me put it this way: I don’t care about your petty complaints, my day would be better without your input, and you’re practically impossible to ignore because you’ve filled all of my social media feeds with remorseless bile. Consider yourself unfriended, ex-chum.
Oh, you don’t like people from other countries working in your local shop, female bosses who should be busy in the kitchen, or two fellas kissing and cuddling? Sorry, I didn’t realise you held such opinions: my fault entirely and I’ll rectify the situation immediately. See you in Hell.
The Gym Junkies
Chances are you’re fitter and healthier than I am. You probably also have more stamina, fewer creases in your body, and despite me being built like the proverbial outdoor toilet made of brick, you can probably lift more, bro.
However, in the same way that I don’t constantly ram my mentally stimulating career, happy relationship, respectable wage and the ability to make a penguin out of a banana in record time down your throat on a daily basis, I’d appreciate it if you could keep the evidence of you pushing yourself to the physical limit whilst sweating like a pregnant sow to a minimum. That cool? Yeah? No? Okay, byyyyyyye.
Who will you unfriend?
An old pal who now gets on your nerves? Someone you met on holiday but have no interest in keeping in touch with long-term? An ex who for some incomprehensible reason you didn’t delete the moment they dumped your sorry arse? Let me know who won’t survive your digital purge in the comments below. Come on, you can be honest, we’re all friends here…