What an interesting day, Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day. As far as I’m aware, the only questions my cats have are to do with food, water, attention and a warm place to sleep. Did I say questions? I meant demands. There’s a chance they might have questions the likes of “Is this chair mine?” and “Can I shed all over your trousers before you go to work?”, but clearly they don’t understand English because even when the answer is no, they have their way regardless.
Still, my brother bought me a book a couple of Christmases ago called Is your cat gay? by Charles Kreloff and Patty Brown – I’ve flipped through it but never actually carried out the test. There are a fair few questions so I decided to just choose five at random and use them on the male cat, James. Here are the results:
Q: Has your first edition of Valley of the Dolls gone missing?
A: Never heard of it, although according to Wikipedia the book’s characters ‘embark on careers that bring them to the heights of fame and eventual self-destruction’. Sounds pretty cool, actually, despite how girly it is. I might buy a copy.
Q: Do you suspect your wardrobe’s been edited?
A: I throw my clean clothes onto a chair in the spare room and iron them when required. My wardrobe is mainly used for storing random junk and the occasional home appliance packaging.
Q: Is the tom next door your cat’s “special friend”?
A: The tom next door is a behemoth called Toby. If James were gay, Toby would destroy him in a single session. I would of course make sure to video the event and post it on YouTube.
Q: Is your cat amused only by silk spun by blind Belgian nuns?
A: Yes. Like owner, like pet.
Q: Do you suspect kitty is using your grooming products?
A: No, but I do use his flea shampoo from time to time.
From this outcome I can’t really discern whether or not James is gay, as the scoring method doesn’t cater for such descriptive responses. However, whilst I was answering these questions, he was looking over my shoulder and slowly shaking his head in dismay. So I think I’ve finally answered the main uncertainty that has been frustrating my cat all these years: yes, his human has a few issues that should be dealt with as a matter of urgency.